solo

i never fully realize how lonely i am until the weekends. during the week, i have to work, so that takes up a sufficient amount of time. and when i get off work, i'm usually not surrounded by people, but even that's ok because it's a week day, and who wants people around while you're watching quality tv? (just kidding. i do, that's who.)

but come the weekend (ie. friday), if i find myself with absolutely no plans for the evening, it makes me fairly depressed. not in a "woe is me" sort of way, but more like a "damn, this sucks" sort of way. now don't get me wrong. i'm definitely not knocking staying in and relaxing on a friday night. i know plenty of people who do that and might i just say, congratulations on not thinking you are totally friendless. please teach me how to think that.

*side note*

most of these people are either a) married, b) have kids, or c) all of the above.

i can't help feeling though, like a super huge failure at making new friends if i'm stuck inside, by myself, on the first "fun" night of the week. i hate to say i'm lame, but i really can't think of another word that better sums up this lack of social prowess. this could easily be taken that i'm referring to anyone who doesn't go out and get shit-faced on friday night as "lame", which would be wrong. and shame on you for thinking that. i can't judge anyone else's actions as easily as i can judge my own... ok, that's a lie. i can actually do that quite well. however, in this instance, i'm merely describing myself.

it's definitely not for a lack of trying. there are plenty of people that i want to hang out with, and i really do have a good amount of friends in lawrence but they're always busy or have other plans, which puts me no where but at home in front of the tv. everyone's like "oh, just go out by yourself and make new friends," to which i respond "no. that is creepy." could be the best experience of my life, but if i saw some rando walking the bars on a friday night, alone, i would think that's very strange and walk the other way. and is it too much to have someone else want me to go out with them? i hate always being the initiator of plans. it got me through college just fine always planning things, but now that i'm in a new place with a new set of friends, it would be nice to get a call/text saying "hey, a few of us are going out. wanna come with?" to which i would graciously reply, "yes, friend. yes i would."

i don't want this so sound like a pity party, because it's not. why, just thursday night, i went out with some co-workers and their friends and had a great time. but that was thursday. i'm talking about friday here. now, i know there's no rule that says you have to go out on friday or you're a huge pile of suck. and yes, i know that it's society's expectation that one must have the best time of the week on friday night. yet, i can't help but feeling that if i don't follow those unwritten rules, i am indeed becoming someone that no one really needs (or worse, wants) around. sigh. there's always next week.